Loving Lost & Wild

forehead-kisss

The old coffee table accommodated a paper wrapped box.
I stumbled half-awake, unprepared athlete reaching for the finish line.
Across a landmine of torn bra straps & carelessly floored clothes.
She ran out of ink & signed the box with a stamp from her lipstick;
Crazy girl but in my world – She was my perfect calm.
Gold rosary with my name engraved on it couched comfortably in box,
with a note addressed to her ‘Lost & Wild’,
Glanced at her across the room – babied in her sleep.
The note, i read silently aloud in my head:

I apologize – made a mistake when we began,
Thinking my job was to find you, my dear lost boy.
When I should have been lost with you.

I wasted time measuring where our relationship should have been,
Missing out on the beauty of where we are.
Painting a ugly picture with a beautiful brush.

I spent too much time in a cage of rules & generalizations,
Should have ran wild with you, My wild boy;
See places, taste candy – make love counting stars on roof tops.

I lived too long in my head – Thinking you didn’t love me,
But each day before I leave you kiss my forehead – And I see it clear.
You do! – But I also see your scar, your fears.

I have rained tears – Started fires of fight,
And in your hurricane, you hold me – fearlessly protect me.
You said I was beautiful when I was obviously a mess.

I will drive this time – No trails so we can’t be found or rescued,
We can talk & love – Get lost together & roam wild till we’re ninety.
And instead of finding you – Maybe we will find us.

©2017 Phillip E.O | Collection of Short Piece  : Collection: My Muse | Pic Credit: Madalin C
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A NOTE FROM MY DAUGHTER

Helping daddy shave

Dear daughter,
I’m sorry I haven’t written you in a while.
I watched as the season of water transformed into ice;
All your mails locked in the chest of heart.
Lately I haven’t responded to any of your letters.
Then the mails stopped – And I thought,
Maybe you stopped loving me.
Until today when I got that drawing you sent
with a note saying, “Happy Father’s day, Dad”.

I loved the drawing a lot – Thanks kid.
You were in the middle – Myself on the side,
Someone else on the other side – I figured that’s your mum.
I am not as tall to the sky as you drew,
but be certain for you I will reach out my hands,
Just to gather the stars by your side.
I’ll put an angel carved out of diamonds around your neck,
Most importantly, I hope teach you value isn’t cost,
But with the love it was given.

I heard your friends left heaven to be with their earthly father.
I am sorry once again I need to ask more time before I hold – See you.
Things in life don’t always go as planned,
And love!- Well, that I wasn’t sure when or how to tell you;
Because I knew you liked the girl I was with,
And I actually liked her a lot too.
But she wanted to leave – And I tried hard this time to make her stay.
I just couldn’t keep throwing fist in the air over someone;
Someone who has lost faith in all that we shared.

I’m alright daughter – And we will be just fine.
You’ll be amazed how things workout.
Same waters that froze into skiing ice;
In another season will melt into spring.
I still owe you a drive to the store in our pajamas on weekends,
Sharing a bowl of cereal with you as we marvel at cartoon network.
Still might not be enough to win the best father in the world,
But be certain I’ll give all of me to be ‘perfect enough father’ for you.

©2015. Phillip Emmanuel O. Library: Father’s Day. All Rights Reserved. Photo Credit: Getty Images.

HEART OF DROUGHT

Photo Credit: mistresssexy.tumblr

Photo Credit: mistresssexy.tumblr

It took a while – but I finally figured it out,
I am a mess, the mess – Grammatically auto correct.
Wouldn’t exactly say I was conscious about it,
I am not even sure how I got here – How I became this.
Got tightfisted with my heart like a child hanging on to his lunch box.
I wouldn’t give it away;
Not for a price nor a ransom – A pretty face or sincere kiss.
Scared of the idea of what love could be – again.

It took seeing you cry to realize that you were hurting.
Worse, I am the reason for your hurt.
Thought you were just fine in the ‘living room’ of my heart,
but restricted your access to the emotional content of other rooms.
Some part of me wanted to try – Maybe I just didn’t know how!
Or maybe I just foolishly held on to the thoughts of past love,
Miraculously dreaming she will walk back in – Fairytale ending.
Or maybe I just left too much of me where I was coming from.

It took every kiss to elaborate how much this meant to you.
You’d grab onto me like your existence will fall apart without it;
Yet I chuckle in doubt when you say that you’ll never leave.
My fear that same words I have heard in past relationship;
Silly me should have gotten a receipt or warranty on that.
It became easier to deal with that pain,
Yet unconsciously, I was pushing off the ledge.

It took the last conversation to realise I like you a lot.
Easy for me to kiss the back of your neck as I zip up your dress,
Yet, never utter the word “I’ll miss you too” – fear of such emotions.
Ignorantly built muscles over layers of scar that was deeper than life;
For if I tore my muscle – It will hurt but it will heal,
But recovery if my heart ever tear again – I doubt.
So I protect my heart fiercely – Not from you but fears.
I adore you without doubt – But my fear of love came with droughts.

©2015. Phillip Emmanuel O. All Rights Reserved | Episode: Making Of A Better Man.

I Don’t Know About Love.

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I don’t know about love;
Hiss! Last I heard of it – built me a heart with bricks.
Felt I was safe – Didn’t know I was the one at risk.
Same hands that built it came back with a huge wrecking ball,
Screaming angry words mixed with careless actions.
Without regards that I lived in it – Chains were released.
Wrecking balls swung – Next was the rumbles,
Then it became dark – barely breathing.

I don’t know about love;
Shh! But I know a story.
This is not the classic story of boy meets girl,
It’s the heroic story of girl saves boy.
Pulled him out of the rubbles – tended to his wounds.
He strayed away ‘again’ to hide his fears,
She found him ‘again’ – dried his tears,
called his beautiful – despite his mess.

I don’t know about love;
Hmm! But I know of two who looks at life with same eye.
I know of something deeper than friendship and intimate conversations.
I know of silly texts and video calls when they can’t be near.
I know of a tight hug when she’s here.
Reaching into all my aches and pain,
My favourite pill – that I shall be relived.

I don’t know about love;
Damn! I am barely a perfect man.
Yet she looks into my eyes like her world is complete.
There are argument and fights – Yet with anger so soft.
Words uttered not to hurt nor revenge – But a cure.
I really do know much about love;
But I know the one who found a diamond in the roughs,
Wiped with a kiss – and made it glow again.

©2014. Phillip Emmanuel | Edition: chapter 23: New from The Pieces | All Rights Reserved.

Baby Please Don’t Call

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It’s a bed full of worn clothes tonight.
Crumbled pieces of paper are witness to poems I wrote.
I raided the sky of all its stars – Just to wish you were here.
Right now – Right here.
I would betray the comfort of my pillow tonight for your arms,
Bargain my way to the blanket of your lips.
A price I would pay without hesitation,
Just to hold you in my arms tonight.

It’s a cold shower here tonight.
My frozen skin like I reside on the edge of Oymyakon.
Fragrance of your shampoo cleverly hidden in the fibres of my towel;
That will keep me warm for the night – Maybe another day.
Still not close enough to the warmth of your arms;
The silliness that escorts your every action,
The patience that welcomes the depth of every word said,
Oh! My reminder that now I am safe.

It’s a glass of whiskey and some cookies here tonight.
Though the kitchen promises revenge for the chicken sauce you burnt,
My rumpled bed sheet remains best friend with the mint of your skin.
Another day or two – Baby you know I will wait.
But what if I start gasping for that air found only on your lips?
What if you called – Told me where you were tonight?
What If I sleep walk all those miles of stones and broken glass,
Just to be next to you tonight.

It’s all of me actively participating in your thought tonight.
Yes! These are words i never express often,
Hidden underneath my manly fears that I once choked on such words.
Baby! Please don’t call me tonight.
I’ve exhausted words in poems about how deeply I miss you.
Let me bear a few hours of gentle torture before we are together again.
So when I see you – I can wrap my arms around you.
Lift your feet off the ground – And tell you how much I missed you.

©2014. Phillip Emmanuel | Edition: New from The Pieces | All Rights Reserved.

This Good Woman’s Love.

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This good woman’s love is like light.
For I have been in the dark too long.
I became best of friends with the night,
So I can hide my pain in another glass of whiskey and lime.
I became lovers with my shower,
because only the water it sprinkles can disguise my tears.
She was the light I saw – But never followed.
The one who stayed – While the rest of my world crumbled.

This good woman’s love is like the beach sand.
She gathers to shore all the treasures of sea-shells,
and returns my troubled waters backed to the sea,
She relives my pain – A calm after the storm.
In the blanket of her arms – I am warm and safe.
The only one who dared to take a stray heart out of the rain.
She covered the depth of my scares with the feel of her lips.
Gathered the piece of my shatters – Patiently into a whole.

This good woman’s love is like Sunday morning.
Solemn song and hymns – Church choirs across the street.
The soft of her lip – I breathe.
A better man – I live.
Baptized in the kindness of her words;
And when she is mad – There is no wrath in her anger.
She lets my arms bring her home – her ‘airplane’s hanger’.
Every consonant and vowel she alters – A piece of my heart is won.

This good woman’s love is like rainbow layers underneath the heavens.
Colors of her heart’s warmth radiates,
all in one accord with the beauty of her smile.
Her touch I feel – even in the absence of her arms.
Like Moses, this good woman’s love drew me out of troubled waters;
Dried my skin – And called me her prince.
So broken – Yet she called me strong.
So unworthy – Yet she loves me anyway.

©2014. Phillip Emmanuel | Edition: New from The Pieces | All Rights Reserved.

WHISPERS OF A SON TO HIS MOTHER

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Sometimes, I think growing up wasn’t so hard,
Only because you were there, mama.
From my first cradle to first bed,
Feeding bottles to my first plastic spoon,
From the comfort of your breast to feel of other lady’s breast.
Still you are my first, mama.
But I grew up too fast – Left side once I could walk.
Now it’s the hardest of my life to see you,
Grow old –Get sick – Get weak.

Sometimes, I think it’s my fault too.
Maybe all those times I stressed you up as a kid added up;
Those times I fooled around – Jumping down the stairs,
Till I heard you scream for your heartbeat fast in fear.
Mama I only thought I was superman,
And I could have sworn that the only woman I was willing to save was you.
I was asleep like cub on the hospital bed,
You were awake on a wooden chairing – Stressing and praying.
Watching over me like a lioness.

Sometimes, I think I am part of your pain too.
Because all I prayed for as a kid was to grow up fast – And strong,
So I could watch over you too.
And I’m sorry mama that I forgot the circle of life;
As I grew in strength – You grew too, but weaker.
And each silly joke and smile we share,
I noticed another grey strand underneath your gorgeous hair.
That always made me scared – I weep,
Maybe one day you won’t be there.

Sometimes, I think I am part of the hurt too.
Compliments from other girls on how good I look,
I smile back without giving credit to the original beauty –You Mama.
And with every muscles and strength I built,
I saw you smile when I try protect you as we walk down the streets.
And the jealousy in your eye when girls wrap their arms around me,
I saw that too mama – But like a good woman,
You’d embrace them the same.
And in my own silly way – “you remain my mama still”, I say.

Sometimes, I think I left home too soon.
I was only trying to find my own man.
So I was chasing my dream and pay checks;
And the only way i could hug you mama was over a telephone call.
You would cry how you miss me,
How proud you are of me.
But I would send gift over instead of being there –Physically.
And I’m sorry – because I know having me around meant more to you,
Yet the best I could do most times was call.

Sometimes, I just think it’s hard – really hard to explain.
It’s the strangest connection in the world – You and I.
And it breaks my heart – I die,
To ever see you sick – or in pain,
Worse of all to know that this time I cannot be superman,
I cannot save.
So I take a breather – And I pray,
The way you taught me as a child – Even though I strayed.
God strengthen my mama – That’s all I pray.

©2014. Phillip Emmanuel O. Edition: Family Portrait.